I’m up, I’m up, I tell you! Not at all snoozing, see, moving my hand and at least one eye is open, you can go and totally safely leave me in bed without any risk of me falling asleep again!
I’m trying to get back into a sane sleeping rhythm. I got a job (yay!), I’m starting on the 5th of February and I’ve decided that I would use the time I have left into getting myself a bit more human, so that it doesn’t come as too much of a shock when all of a sudden it’s expected of me every day… It’s going… ok… Or at the very least I am getting up in the mornings and going to sleep at reasonable o’clock. But I’m not enjoying it. I’m not a morning person. I don’t trust morning people, you know, the ones that are all smiley and chatty two minutes after they joyfully jumped out of bed, and do a 5k run before breakfast. I think they’re aliens (sorry mum). I’m more of a bleary-eyed monster impotently raging in the shower I reluctantly drag myself into using solely my sense of touch because the vision has not rebooted yet. Also, don’t talk to me for at least an hour after I got up, I’m busy locating my brain and figuring out which limbs are responsible for which actions, the sounds you’re directing at me make no sense and I don’t like them.
As much as I’m delighted about having a job (and don’t get me wrong, I am, I’m so relieved and happy), I am also terrified. I had a thoroughly unwanted 4 year break, I’m not used to working anymore, the getting up early, the being places on time, the whole office environment, the co-workers, the customers. I know, I know, a couple of months and I’ll be fine again but meanwhile my brain is feeding me a diet of increased anxiety and catastrophe forecasts. What if I turn out to be so hopeless that I can’t even pass the test after training, and therefore will be asked to leave in a couple of weeks? What if everybody just hates me on sight? What if all my preparing for getting up on time doesn’t work, I sleep through my alarms every day and get fired for being tardy? What if I develop some sort of speech impediment that doesn’t allow me to speak to people politely and instead causes me to shout streams of abuse at the clients on the phone? And so on, and so forth… I’m pretty certain none of it will happen but I don’t seem to be able to stop thinking about it…
This makes me act a bit funny. One moment I’m walking about happily, looking for some office-y looking clothes, planning to get a haircut so I look vaguely presentable when I start, and the next wanting to punch strangers in the face just because a sudden surge of anxiety turns into inexplicable rage, and at least if I’m in prison for assault I won’t have to worry about any of this. I don’t, by the way, punch strangers in the face I mean. You don’t really know me, so I feel it’s best to clarify these things.
I guess I’m just going to try to enjoy my last few days of freedom, read some books, walk some walks, eat some doughnuts etc. And when the work starts I’ll do what I usually do – my best (also drink lots of coffee) – and hope it’s all gonna be fine.